PROCESS

Mark 8:34-37

Then he called the crowd to him along with his disciples and said:

"If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me and the gospel will save it. What good is it for man to gain the whole world, yet forfeit his soul? Or what can a man give in exchange for his soul?"

Partrick Borja Dream

I told Patrick Borja i had a dream about him last night.

Told him what the story was about.

Don't have no clue what it meant. 

But I told him.

let's wait and see if it actually has sense.

BROKEN DREAMS COMING TO PASS

I am still waiting on God but if this morning's revelation in my heart is part of the confirmation, then I will anticipate excitedly the next ones more.

Kuya Noi, our temporary leader in the worship team, spoke very briefly about the song Prophesy. An insight on the song that I have never really thought of, moreso paid much attention too. It is a powerful song, but in light of what I have been praying for the past weeks, what he said was like a burst of meaning and relevance coming out of nowhere. It made my heart beat...faster. 

"Declare COMING TO PASS to people's BROKEN DREAMS."

I have broken dreams. 

God knows the desires of my heart.

TODAY...I prophesy and speak life into my broken dreams.

In His perfect time, I shall see it in FRUITION.

I shall see it coming to pass.  

and God will be Glorified. 

DI PA HULI ANG LAHAT.

I am 35 years old.

Just 2 days ago, July 10, 2008, I learned how to play

TONG-ITS, PUSOY DOS and POKER!

Finally after how many years...

May na-realize nga ako eh...

kaya pala ang daming tambay sa mga kanto

na nagsusugal ng mga nabanggit kong mga card games,

kasi nakaka-adik nga naman.

Sana lang walang perang involved, I wish people would 

play it like chess, after all, it is a mind game.

A game of strategy.

Okay, don't be alarmed...I know hindi ako magsusugal, 

at higit sa lahat hindi ninyo ko mahuhuli sa kanto kung saan

maraming nagpapalipas-oras sa papamigatan ng mga nabanggit sa itaas.

In the meantime, allow me to just enjoy my newly-learned 'sporting events'. 

I am getting better by the way.

I would like to thank my trainor, Dennies Damaso.

Salamat Coach! 

=)

BUT WHAT DOES GOD WANT?

this is me...but what does God want?

Lord, please let me know...

SHARK and LAVA

My niece is watching Shark Boy and Lava Girl in our room and for some abstract, unexplainable way, Shark and Lava are exactly what I am feeling right now.

My chest is heavy. I am feeling a certain anger and disturbance in my system. You know how ripples in a body of water, big or small, actually are cinematic and photographic subjects, 

but truth of the matter is, despite its aesthetic value, what we actually do when we create a ripple is we bother the calmness of the water. What does the ripple have to do with the shark? Well, I am relying on the sharpness of my teeth to bite this anger from the disturbance. Whoever threw that stone deserves to be 'carnivored'.

Suffice it to say, my calmness has been bothered tonight and my teeth are ready to snap.

My chest is burning. I am feeling a lava lamp bouncing in fluidity in my system. You know why? I miss acting. Allow me to brag a little bit, I am a good actor and I still have so much potential of becoming an even better actor. Lava lamps are fun to watch but that dancing oil inside only becomes entertaining and fun when it's still inside that bottle, and I just don't want to bounce around my bottle, I need to flow. I need this lava lamp, this burning desire to act once again gratified, satisfied, amplified, there's a word I'm looking for that I can't seem to find not even on the tip of my tongue. darn. (goes out of the room and asks the experts) REALIZED. there! (thanks ate jhe).

Please know, my talent that's been in hibernation has been awakened. Who woke it?! Actually I have no clue but I can guess.

Like butter, lard, or left-over adobo in the fridge...It has been hard and stale...today, in a very untimely manner. It's flowing. It's spreadable. It's melting. I don't know how to fulfill it though. Or if I should even plan or make it happen? And by that, I mean...NOW? HOW? 

Is this why I am angry and wanting to bite? 

Why do I want to act again out-of-the-blue?

I don't know. But what I do know is, this disturbance is only for a short period.

I know I will act again, maybe not now, but it's incredibly good to be reminded today that this dream is still in there. Bouncing around.  

SIGAWAN. BULUNGAN. SUMBUNGAN. KAKWENTUHAN.

Today I decide to make my blogspot my 

SIGAWAN - dito ko isusulat lahat ng tuwa at asar ko sa buhay.

BULUNGAN - when I feel I need to just whisper a thought or feeling, sulat ko na rin dito.

SUMBUNGAN - when I complain, most of the time, it's just for me, so di ko kailangan ng reaksyon, pero comment pwede.

KAKWENTUHAN - anything and everything under the sun, I'll share with hasang.

You might ask why the 4 words are in this order. Actually, walang explanation, pero para mukhang may literary structure, sabihin na lang nating, these are my random thoughts. My graffiti board. Sa madaling salita, MY ANYTHING GOES. 

Allow me to remind you and me, that these are my thoughts, they will not necessarily represent my total belief on the mundane and the significant, neither will they be my convictions nor rebellions. They will  just be basically my feelings and thoughts expressed using letters and words in impressionist, realist, and Kandinsky forms.

So I guess, pwede ko na simulan. 

I am quiet...but am i Silent?

I am not good with words.

A lot of times I struggle to find the right words to say. I know a lot of people who are very good speakers and what I noticed is that they read a lot. Suffice it to say that I don't. I am very moody when it comes to reading. I am very moody at everything anyway.

I have been trying to have a sense of quiet about me. I used to be loud, at least I thought I was. I always want to be senselessly noisy when it comes to parties, get-togethers, social functions. Joking around, and for the most part, playing the part of the life of the party. In my quest of not wanting to be asked anything personal, or to avoid being the center of attention, my jokes are always at the expense of other people. I wasn't mean, I wasn't cruel to them, I just made good-enough-but-not-so-bad fun of them. Why? Because I didn't want to talk about me, I didn't want the moment to be steered towards me. So, I go ahead of them. I beat them to the roasting game. A game called entertainment.

I think I am very opinionated, I think i have a lot to say about many things, I think that if I were very good with expressing myself, I'd be listened to. I'd be heard more. But I am not good at expressing myself, so as an excuse, I turn to the visual arts. I always say, "I'll just draw what I want to say, so you'll understand me more". Of course, that only applies to things you can actually explain visually. Most of the time, my complex mind can't even be drawn in abstract. My feeling/feelings get/s so surreal, even I, the artist of my own self-expression can't describe, analyze, interpret, and judge my own piece.

So I choose to be quiet.

I want so much to say how I see and feel about my life. my dreams. my future plans.
I shout and give myself a pep-talk when I recall regrets and how I can't wallow in them anymore.
I am overwhelmed with thoughts on friendship and relationship and people.
I am almost screaming inside me to explain why I am so non-commital with so many things.
I echo the cries of my innermost being when it comes to my family, my father.
I have so much to apologize for, I get flashbacks of things that I silently repent for.
I jump for joy and cheer deep down when I remember my little triumphs and successes from struggles and overcomings of the past and the present.
I always have a mime going on in my head when I feel I need to explain myself to people.
I tell myself how I love me when I am feeling insecure.
I remind myself that God loves me, and that He doesn't care how others see me.
All He cares about is me and my heart. The condition of my heart.
I know that if I choose to audibly verbalize my thoughts, somewhere, somehow, someone will be confused, someone will not understand, someone will not even pay attention, someone will pretend to listen but will just look at my mouth as it opens but wouldn't really care about a single word I would say.
I don't want to be misinterpreted anymore, I dont want anyone to be lost in translation when it comes to whatever I express.

I am not saying, nor am I confessing that I am done with 'speaking my mind and heart'. NO. I am in faith that there are people out there, or even a person out there who would actually JUST listen. And I am always open to hearing other people's opinion, but it works both ways, they have to ACTUALLY LISTEN first. How else can they give a rebutt when all they hear is themselves?

I have regained composure. I am more sure of myself now,
thanks to the confidence that only comes from God.

But I still choose to be quiet,

but it doesn't necessarily mean I am

s i l e n c e d.

Ang Mahusay sa Hindi Bihasa

Maraming beses nakakadaya ang isang tao, nakakaloko ika nga nila.
Kung minsan ako mismo, nagugulat sa sarili kong kakayahan o kakaibang katangian. Ilang beses nang hindi ko akalaing nagagawa ko pala ang isang bagay, pero madalas din naman, natatakot akong magpakitang-gilas.

Bakit? Dahil hindi ko alam na malalaman ko rin naman na aalamin ko rin pagdating nang pagkakataon ang kaalamang kailangang malaman.

Naintindihan niyo ba? Ako, arok na arok ko ang gusto kong sabihin, hindi dahil lubos ko itong naiintindihan o pinipilit kong intindihin, kung hindi dahil kaya nga nasabi ko ang sinabi ko ay dahil sa nag-aalab na damdamin ng balon ng pakiramdam.
Sa madaling salita, hindi mapigilan ang retorikang sa akin nagmumula, kaya nga retorika hindi ba?

Nasa kalooban ko ang maging mas dalubhasa sa buhay, ang maging mas mahusay sa kaalaman ng pang-araw-araw na pamumuhay. Kasama na diyan ang pakikitungo sa kapwa, sa di kakilala at mga dayuhang biglang sumisipot sa pinaka
di-inaasahang oras. Kung pagtutugma-tugmain mo ang sinasabi ko, ang ibig ko lamang ipahiwatig ay gusto kong maging mas mabuting tao, sa lahat at ano mang panahon at buwan ng taon.

Ikot-ikotin man akong parang turumpo, iisa lang naman ang babagsakan ko, lupa at lupa rin, kung may malapit na balon, maaring duon, o di kaya nama'y sa isang kalapit-batis. Sana naman ay pulutin pa rin ako ng kung sino mang naglalaro sa akin, kung sino mang nadudulutan ko ng ligaya. kung minsa'y pasakit.

Ang kagandahan at kahusayan ng pagiging isang hindi bihasa ay ang pagkakataong mapagyaman ang sarili sa patutunguhang perpeksyon o kabuoan. Tanging sa wangis lang ng pinaka sa lahat ng pinaka ang pangarap kong maabot. Ngunti hindi maaring habang ako ay nasa lupa.

Ano ang gagawin?

mananatiling bukas ang kaisipan upang matuto sa daigdig ng kaalaman. Sa buhay, sa pagsubok, sa litanya ng tagapamayo at kaaway, at sa araw araw na talastasan ng isang kabaro sa lipunan.

May dulot na ginto ang pagiging inutil...ito ay ang leksyong matutunan habang mangmang pa ang inosenteng makunat na isipan at puso.

May pilak sa baguio.
May puting buhangin sa boracay at bohol.
May dolyar sa guam.
May entablado sa ortigas.
May enchanted kingdom sa laguna.
May tindahan sa kanto.
May kapitbahay kaming matanda.

Kahit ano man ang sitwasyon at panahon.
pwede ka maging bihasa at eksperto
bagamat mangmang at tuyot ang isip.

halina't mangisda.

- HASANG

ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE MY THOUGHTS.

DO NOT BE DECEIVED.

i go with the flow, yes. BUT i also go against the grain.
Ultimately though, one cannot find the opposite end of the spectrum
if one has zero knowledge of the other side.
i know how to go against the flow
because i know what to go against.

it's like life for the most part.

you choose to do what's right, because you know what's wrong.
you choose to be in the light, because you've seen the dark.
you choose to say YES, because you know what NO brings.

i am not a writer. but i am an artist.
writing to me is like expressing myself on canvas.
i hardly paint. i rarely write.
BUT when I do...i wish to be HEARD.

so listen.

GO FISH!