I am not good with words.
A lot of times I struggle to find the right words to say. I know a lot of people who are very good speakers and what I noticed is that they read a lot. Suffice it to say that I don't. I am very moody when it comes to reading. I am very moody at everything anyway.
I have been trying to have a sense of quiet about me. I used to be loud, at least I thought I was. I always want to be senselessly noisy when it comes to parties, get-togethers, social functions. Joking around, and for the most part, playing the part of the life of the party. In my quest of not wanting to be asked anything personal, or to avoid being the center of attention, my jokes are always at the expense of other people. I wasn't mean, I wasn't cruel to them, I just made good-enough-but-not-so-bad fun of them. Why? Because I didn't want to talk about me, I didn't want the moment to be steered towards me. So, I go ahead of them. I beat them to the roasting game. A game called entertainment.
I think I am very opinionated, I think i have a lot to say about many things, I think that if I were very good with expressing myself, I'd be listened to. I'd be heard more. But I am not good at expressing myself, so as an excuse, I turn to the visual arts. I always say, "I'll just draw what I want to say, so you'll understand me more". Of course, that only applies to things you can actually explain visually. Most of the time, my complex mind can't even be drawn in abstract. My feeling/feelings get/s so surreal, even I, the artist of my own self-expression can't describe, analyze, interpret, and judge my own piece.
So I choose to be quiet.
I want so much to say how I see and feel about my life. my dreams. my future plans.
I shout and give myself a pep-talk when I recall regrets and how I can't wallow in them anymore.
I am overwhelmed with thoughts on friendship and relationship and people.
I am almost screaming inside me to explain why I am so non-commital with so many things.
I echo the cries of my innermost being when it comes to my family, my father.
I have so much to apologize for, I get flashbacks of things that I silently repent for.
I jump for joy and cheer deep down when I remember my little triumphs and successes from struggles and overcomings of the past and the present.
I always have a mime going on in my head when I feel I need to explain myself to people.
I tell myself how I love me when I am feeling insecure.
I remind myself that God loves me, and that He doesn't care how others see me.
All He cares about is me and my heart. The condition of my heart.
I know that if I choose to audibly verbalize my thoughts, somewhere, somehow, someone will be confused, someone will not understand, someone will not even pay attention, someone will pretend to listen but will just look at my mouth as it opens but wouldn't really care about a single word I would say.
I don't want to be misinterpreted anymore, I dont want anyone to be lost in translation when it comes to whatever I express.
I am not saying, nor am I confessing that I am done with 'speaking my mind and heart'. NO. I am in faith that there are people out there, or even a person out there who would actually JUST listen. And I am always open to hearing other people's opinion, but it works both ways, they have to ACTUALLY LISTEN first. How else can they give a rebutt when all they hear is themselves?
I have regained composure. I am more sure of myself now,
thanks to the confidence that only comes from God.
But I still choose to be quiet,
but it doesn't necessarily mean I am
s i l e n c e d.
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